This Just In

President Bush has authorized the Joint Chiefs to begin drawing up a battle plan to pull France's chestnuts out of the fire again. Facing an apparent overwhelming force of up to 400 angry teenagers, Mr. Bush apparently doubts France's ability to hold them off. "If the last two world wars are any indication, I would expect France to surrender to the little pissants any day now," said Bush.

Joint Chiefs Chairman Gen. Peter Pace warned the President that it might be necessary to send up to 5 Marines in order to gain control. The general admitted that 5 Marines may be overkill, but he said he wanted to be assured of gaining operational and strategic control within 24 hours of arriving on scene. He stated, however, that although he was having a hard time finding even one Marine volunteer to help "those ungrateful bastards" out for a third time, he thought that he could persuade a few female Marines to do the job before they went on maternity leave.

In an attempt to blend in with the locals, President Bush suggested Gen. Pace make sure the marines did not take soap, razors, or deodorant with them.